Hello sweet souls, it’s Aaron,
On the show, and in every relationship I have, I provide a lot of comic relief. However, I’m here today to tell you that today’s topic for this newsletter is far from comical and is a heavy, dense subject. It will likely be a longer newsletter, but you all are my loving community, part of my chosen tribe and I can’t NOT share this with you all, so here it goes:
You are likely reading this newsletter in late March / early April. I am currently typing this newsletter on 2/22. The number 2 is significant because it is one of my favorite numbers, my others are 11 and 19. Joanna The Healer informed her viewers in a channeled message for 2023 that the number 2 will be significant this year as it relates to our transformation and growth and boy has it!
Back in November of last year, Christian and I decided to start the process of starting a family. Christian has always wanted a child and I came around to the idea more-so within the past year. A specific child had been on our mind that we have known for a couple of years now because he was one of our students.
He had a special place in our hearts because I met him and taught him in summer school when he was in 6th grade, he was in my class all of 7th grade, and Christian, at the time, had him in his class in 8th grade. He has been in foster care since he was three and he is now thirteen. We wanted to start the process of fostering to adopt him and help give him the childhood that every child deserves.
Lots of children, those who grow up in foster care in particular, have been through a tremendous amount of trauma. It is obviously not the case with every child in care, but imagine being with your birth family and then, most of the time due to nothing you did or have control over, have DSS come to your door and remove you from everything you’ve ever known and loved. You may be removed from your siblings, too, as they may go to a different foster home or facility. You can’t go back home. You can’t retreat to your bedroom. You can’t see your birth family or siblings when you want. You can’t love on your dogs or cats. You might have to switch schools or even states or cities. You can’t see or contact your friends. You don’t know what’s going on, how long it will last or what to do to help yourself feel better. Your birth parent(s) might be dead, left town, or be incarcerated and you may never be reunited with them again.
Okay, my sweet empaths, I know – I told y’all this would be some heavy shit. Please take a sip of water and a few deep breaths.
We learned SO much from our foster parent classes throughout this process.
We started having day visits with him over the winter break and spent Christmas with him. We spend New Years (which is our wedding anniversary as well) with him. Then, we moved to weekend visits, and there were so many red flags along the way that we kept reassuring ourselves would improve with time and love.
If only we would’ve realized how wrong we were.
After more time passed, he moved in with us full time. We were cooking meals and eating together, we were going to the movies and out to eat at restaurants, we were studying lines for the school play and helping with homework, we were playing board and video games, we were exploring in the woods and playing with Nerf guns, we took him to visit his birth grandparent a few times over an hour away, who was homophobic, we were doing laundry and making sure he knew how to properly care for his hygiene (not something he was used to and was resistant to), we worked with his other teachers, school counselors, his court representative, group home director, and social worker to make sure we were approaching challenging situations from a trauma-informed approach. It really takes a village, y’all.
He still took advantage of us (and his birth grandparent). He was cold and careless. He stole things and began to make us feel unsafe. He made us worry for the safety of our dogs. He began to treat us like employees at the group home rather than people who loved and cared for him, who advocated for him, like parents.
He was not a good fit for us and we were not a good fit for him. This is truly the only sentence that can even begin to summarize the objectivity of this experience.
There is SO much that was a part of this experience that can never truly be communicated through words but was something you would have to feel and experience for yourself with this child. However, after we reported many of his alarming behaviors and all agreed that it wasn’t working out and not a good fit for any of us, people started coming forward with how concerning his behaviors have been in the past and how challenging he was/is to deal with, how they were growing concerned for us and worried about how far his actions might escalate.
The day after we separated from him and he moved out, I became physically ill. I was sick to my stomach all day and ended up vomiting (sorry, TMI), but it felt like a purging. I didn’t want to traumatize a child or be part of a horrible memory for him. However, I realized that I wasn’t. He couldn’t have cared less that he was leaving us. He was upset that he wouldn’t have internet access anymore and was going into a more restrictive environment rather than a traditional “home.”
I saged and palo-santoed (as Rosalie would’ve) the hell out of the guest bedroom that was his. I have been writing more at my desk, which is in that same room and what I now refer to as “The Writing Room.” As a matter of fact, I’m writing this from that space right now.
Christian and I learned so much about ourselves throughout that process. There are always three sides to every story: his side, our side, and the truth. I’m a Sagitarrius and Christian is a Gemini. We do everything with our hearts wide open and come from a place of deep love and willingness to learn. However, I have shifted past grieving a loss and being concerned with whether or not I’m a “bad” person for trying this. I’m not a bad person. I’m now celebrating the reclamation of my freedom. We tried something that such a small, small portion of the population attempt to do in order to form a family of their own.
I’m now writing more. I have an idea for another novel (on top of the one I’m still in the process of writing).
I’m reading voraciously again, which I’ve missed so much.
I’m slowly beginning to socialize with my friends and see my family more often now that my schedule is opening up without having to be responsible for a child.
I started going to therapy on a FARM, y’all! There are tons of farm animals that come up and interact with me during a session and my therapist? She’s amazing!
I am auditioning for audiobooks because this podcast has helped me realize that, even though I’ve always hated hearing my voice on recordings, I love talking about things I’m passionate about.
I’ve reached out to a few authors that I admire on my book Instagram page (@anonymouslyaaronreads if you are interested. Although, I haven’t posted on there in quite sometime) and one author, a North Carolina native who I am a huge fan of, had her publisher sent me an ARC (Advance Reader’s Copy) of her novel to read and review online, that doesn’t hit shelves until July of this year!
I’m going to a Cacao ceremony with Brenda Sue tomorrow afternoon. I recently attended a virtual Emotional Release Evening with Ruthie Lindsey, an author/spiritual worker who I admire, and I (finally) booked an Akashic Record session with Melissa Sparrow for mid-April. I’m doing much more intuitive development and spiritual work on myself.
I’m growing. I’m expanding.
I’ve learned that one day I will be a kick-ass parent to a child. In the meantime, I’m learning how to set better and healthier boundaries. I’m learning that I have needs of my own and it’s my responsibility to ensure that they are met with loving kindness.
I am learning how to protect my own energy from others, as a huge empath that is super challenging work. I am addressing shadow work and parenting my own inner child. Sweet, little Aaron.
I love you all. I appreciate you all.
As Spring is Spring-ing, I recently have been listening to Weyes Blood’s song, “God Turn Me Into A Flower” and that’s what I feel like. I feel beautiful. I feel vibrant. I feel like I’m blooming, being nurtured, expanding and growing. I will enjoy it while it lasts. I’ve been wintering and now it’s time to shed old ways to make room for the new, for the transformative.
With so much love –
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